Salute to the ‘Other Mothers’… On This 100th Anniversary of Mothers Day

On the 100th Anniversary of Mother’s Day

Mother's Day is a celebration honoring mothers and motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. It is celebrated on various days in many parts of the world, most commonly in spring… In the United States the celebration of Mother's Day began in the early 20th century; it is not related to the many celebrations of mothers and motherhood that have occurred throughout the world over thousands of years.  The modern American holiday of Mother's Day was first celebrated in 1908, when Anna Jarvis held a memorial for her mother in Grafton, West Virginia. Her campaign to make "Mother's Day" a recognized holiday in the United States began in 1905, the year her beloved mother, Ann Reeves Jarvis, died.  In 1912, Anna Jarvis trademarked the phrases "second Sunday in May" and "Mother's Day", and created the Mother's Day International Association. It was officially declared a holiday by President Woodrow Wilson in his 1914 presidential proclamation and by the U.S. Congress in relevant related bills.

“All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother."  …Abraham Lincoln

I would like to dedicate this piece to all the ‘other mom’s out there… the adoptive moms, the stepmoms, the foster moms, the grandmothers, the aunts, older sisters and the God-mothers who stepped in, stepped up to help and in many cases took over the role of ‘Mother’ for many many children, but are later far too often forgotten, neglected, taken for granted and even shunned when the absentee moms or their families suddenly step back into the children’s lives that they abandoned… After those heroes the adoptive moms, the stepmoms, the foster moms, the grandmothers, the aunts, the sisters and the God-mothers stepped in and did their jobs, gave their children more and very often loved their children more than they ever considered, wanted to give or had to give, they too often then swoop in play on the heartstrings of the children who felt abandoned and benefit from the love of the people who nurtured their children. 

Anyone can be a Mother or Father… it is just a biological process. Not everyone can be a loving and nurturing Mom or Dad!  We all have a birth or natural mom somewhere and more women than not are natural or birth mothers; most making the transition to be a loving ‘mom’, but it is not until you walk in the shoes of an adoptive mom, a stepmom, a foster moms, or a grandmother, aunt, older sister or God-mother who had to take on the full mother role for someone else that you can understand that true dynamic.

It is easy to step in later, when the work is done and the bonds are forged, to fulfill ones own needs at the expense of the emotional well-being of the children left behind and the women who gave their all, including their hearts to those children when it was needed most.

I am a daughter, a sister, a niece, was a very involved aunt and have had the unique privilege of being a mom… a  stepmother to 3-children under 2-separate circumstances as well as being an adoptive mom.  I worked for one of the top children’s facilities in the country and have seen it all… the kind of ugly that nobody wants to think about and a few miracles along the way.  And I also have friends who are adoptive moms of kids that know and don’t know they are adopted, that are stepmoms under a myriad of circumstances, a few amazing foster parents, some family members who raised family members and some kids that came out of all those types of situations.  And I know some birth family members and birth mothers who made all the wrong and unfair decisions over and over again as well as step-families who never got it.  For me personally, It has been an honor, a source of endless frustration, the greatest joy in my life and the most heart-wrenching pain in my life to fill the various rolls of motherhood. 

Here are few letters from daughters:

From ‘Annie’s Mailbox’:

To a one-in-a-million Mom, to you, dear lady, for all the dreams you dreamed for us. Not one of us became the ballerina or vocalist or pianist or doctor or lawyer you were hoping for. The boys didn’t become millionaires, and the girls didn’t learn to speak six languages. Instead we are the children who forgot to say “thank you” when it probably would have meant a lot to you. We are the ones who talked when we should have listened. We are the little tykes who woke you before dawn to serve you the breakfast-in-bed birthday special: burnt toast, weak tea, unscrambled eggs and half-raw bacon swimming in grease. We gathered around your bed and sang “Happy Birthday, Dear Mommy.” You pretended to be thrilled and tried your darnedest to eat the mess we brought to your bed.

Our childhood is over, and here are the “thank-yous,” many years overdue. Thank you for being there when we needed you. Thanks for being our tower of strength when you needed support yourself. Thank you for believing in us when we had trouble believing in ourselves. Thank you for saying what we needed to hear and for knowing when silence meant more than words. Your wisdom seemed to come from a place that none of us could ever figure out. Thank you, Mom, for allowing us to dream our own dreams, even though your dreams were more glamorous. And thank you, too, for never letting on when we disappointed you.

Most of all, Mom, thank you for giving us the room we needed to grow and the freedom to learn from our own mistakes. We hope we can do half as well with our kids. — YOUR LOVING CHILDREN

Sent directly to Ask Marion:

I was adopted, but never knew it, until by birth mother showed up at our doorstep.  It was  a closed adoption and I never had a clue.  My adoptive parents and family were my family (still are) and I always felt like I was the luckiest kid there was, having such a great family and so many opportunities.  There was nothing that my parents didn’t or wouldn’t do for me and with me, yet they were strict; they instilled all the important values in me.

My life was turned upside down and it took years to recover from the selfish disruption caused by my birth or so-called real mother.  I was depressed for years and it almost destroyed my adoptive mom.  I chose never to see my birth mother again after that visit, but life was never quite the same, never as good, never as normal.  My adoptive parents and family are my family, my real parents, not the women who upended my life twice.  I only hope that I did not inherit her selfishness!  -- YOUR LOVING REAL DAUGHTER IN NEW YORK

Journal Standard:

Every Mother’s Day, I think of how often the amazing love that can be conferred by stepmothers is ignored on this day. When I was very little, my biological mother passed away. A few years later, my father married a wonderful woman who helped raise me. People often asked me whether she was my real mom. I always answered “yes.” We shared real smiles, had real fights and have real memories. She also put forward an enormous effort to make sure I maintained the cherished relationship I had with my biological mother’s family.  

These women are there, attending our games and dance recitals. They are there when we need a shoulder to cry on. And they are there to pick us up when we fall. They may not have given birth to us, but they are real mothers. — A REAL DAUGHTER IN NEBRASKA

Sent directly to Ask Marion:

My sister and I were in and out of group homes, with some incremental stops back with our parents, for years.  The short times back home were always bittersweet.  We knew they were temporary and even the short stays were like riding a roller coaster.  Then came my foster mom… foster parents.  They took my sister and I in and we have been part of their family every since and will be for the rest of our lives.  They cared about us and we grew to love each other.  We finally had a stable family; people we could depend on and a home.  -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTERS WHO LOVE YOU IN CALIFORNIA

Sent Directly to THITW:

My parents were teenagers when I was born.  My grandmother was fun but, to be honest she and her husband were flakes. Ultimately I was adopted through a family adoption.  The agreement was that it be a closed adoption; I was only 15-months old and apparently had no bonding with my birth mother who was not with my natural father. And from what I hear I spent a lot of time with the relatives that would be my mom and dad and, I never asked about my birth mother once after going to live with them as my permanent family.  At age 19 the rug was pulled out from under me when an uncle under pressure from my birth mother and her father told me I was adopted, with no advance warning or preparation.  I had led a storybook life, had everyone in my life as part of the family and, I had no inkling that I was adopted.

My birth mother and birth grandfather along with an idiot uncle destroyed my life.  I went off the deep end, destroying my relationship with the parents who really loved me and It ultimately killed my adoptive mother due to a deep and prolonged depression.  I was a fool and I would ask everyone who is lucky enough to have someone adopt your child and give you a second chance to start over to think twice about disrupting the lives of your child who has a good home and normal life as well as the life of the women (parents) who took on your responsibility, your place, and your job.

Ask yourself… why do you deserve to ruin your child’s life twice as well as the life of the women, the family, that gave both you and your child a fresh start, probably better than you ever could have, and destroy their home, their sanity and their family just to fill some hole or need within you.  Haven’t they already given you enough?  --FROM YOUR LOVING DAUGHTER WHO WILL ALWAYS BE SORRY FOR MY HESITATION! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU DEARLY IN OKLAHOMA

Sent Directly to Ask Marion:

I want to thank my Aunt and Grandma who raised me, loved me and were always there for me.  I never missed not having my mom; they filled every void.  I DO miss that I never knew her since she died in child birth giving me life, for which I will be eternally grateful.  --YOUR GIRL FOREVER IN IDAHO

So please… remember the moms… the women who raised you, who loved you and who were there for you.  That is the true definition of a Mother… a Mom and Motherhood.  Call them today and every Mother’s Day! 

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Sarah Palin's Views on Hillary Clinton (Becoming a Grandma), Donald Sterling and More!  

School Nixes Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for More Inclusive ‘International Day of Families’ (2013)

10 Top Reasons to Adopt A Pet On Mother’s Day… Or Any Other Day 

Mother’s Day 

Mother’s Day Part 2 – A View From Different Perspectives 

Rare Set of ‘Mono Mono’ Twin Girls Enter World Together In ‘Beautiful’ Way: Holding Hands 

Mom's emotional health during child's early years linked to teen's oral health

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Londonderry School Uses Therapy Dog in Classroom

Southern New Hampshire Montessori Academy (SNHMA) has become one of the first schools in New England to bring in a therapy dog as a full time member of its community. Guardian, a Portuguese water dog, was chosen for his temperament, his silky soft hypoallergenic coat and teddy bear looks. While he’s in the process of completing his year-long training, Guardian is already having a positive impact in the classroom, where he is charged with being a calm, emphatic and steadfast best friend for little boys and girls.

“While school therapy dogs are still currently regarded as a cutting-edge educational tool, research is showing that dogs in the classroom can play a huge role in boosting students’ happiness, calmness, overall emotional well-being, and ability to learn,” explains Debra Hogan SNHMA’s Founder and Head of School.

Guardian, who is always here to greet student with a wag and a lick in the mornings, has helped the younger pre-K students with separation anxiety as their parents drop them off in the morning. “He is happy to see the children come in in the mornings and offers a welcome huggable friend to little ones who are finding it hard to see Mom and Dad go,” says Hogan.

Guardian is also helping first graders hone in their reading skills, as Ms. Hogan explains: “Dogs are perfect listeners. They are not judgmental; they don’t care if you don’t get the words exactly right, and for most children, practicing reading aloud is all they need to become fluent readers.”

“Therapy dogs can have a positive impact on every aspect of the classroom from lessons planning, to teaching social skills and responsibility, to comforting students in a time of grief or personal crisis. They teach, they listen, they are unconditional friends. I have seen children who had attention deficit disorder become calmer. I have seen children with emotional difficulties lie down beside the dog and whisper things in his ear, things they’d never tell an adult, and then rise up ready to learn. Their self esteem really soared,” says Terri Hamilton, an Elementary Guidance Consultant and Parent-Child Connection Advocate.

Images courtesy of Tanya Swann Photography.

Southern New Hampshire Montessori Academy offers an academically focused education to children through an integrated curriculum. Concentration is given to educating the “whole child” (all facets of the child’s being, including: intellectual, physical, emotional, social and creative aspects) with a strong emphasis of hands-on and experiential learning where children develop their passion in technology, science, visual and performing arts, foreign language and physical education. Complementing a strong academic core, the school offers an enrichment program that includes elementary Latin, creative arts (visual and performing), daily physical education, technology and Spanish. For further information, please visit their website.

Source:  Londonderry News

Tapping World Summit – (Part II)

What is Tapping or EFT???

EFT is an alternative healing technique that requires no special training or equipment, and using only your hands, can produce incredible and instantaneous results.

EFT is an emotional acupressure technique that utilizes meridian energy points across the body to 'discharge' past emotional trauma. While the concept itself may seem dubious, it has consistently demonstrated such amazing results that many psychiatrists and doctors have begun utilizing it as a part of their healing arsenal. What makes it particularly noteworthy is its high success rate for phobias and anxiety. EFT has been said to work where often nothing else will.

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Tapping is the Key to the Secret

The Secret is a revolutionary Self-Improvement DVD sweeping the planet, that explains how our thoughts create our reality. Tapping is a powerful acupressure technique that eliminates negativity. Using them together you can literally achieve anything you want.

The Secret is the Law of Attraction. It says that thoughts become things, whether they are negative or positive thoughts. We are always creating our reality, whether we know it or not. It's just that as often as we create what we want - positive thoughts, we also create what we don't want - negative thoughts.

Tapping is a meditation/self-hypnosis technique that helps you let go of negative thoughts and feelings. Every negative thought has a feeling attached to it. That feeling is an imbalance in your body's nervous system. You tap various acupressure points on your body to release that feeling, and the negative thought starts to change.

Whatever positive thought you try to focus on, negative thoughts jump up to get in the way. This is due to the body's survival mechanism being over-enthusiastic about it's job. Based on past experience, it perceives danger in what you are wanting to do. It's warning you that the last time you did something even remotely similar, it resulted in feeling bad - so it brings up the negative feelings ahead of time to make sure you don't do it. Negative feelings lead directly to negative thoughts.

The survival mechanism is doing its job, but a little bit too well - it gets confused with the complexities of modern life, and starts matching situations to past experiences that aren't really relevant, and bringing up feelings of danger when there are none.

Tapping literally removes the feeling attached to the past experience. That way the irrelevant warning feelings don't come up, and you don't think negative thoughts, and it becomes much easier to hold a positive mental picture of what you want, and take appropriate action.

This is extremely powerful - Tapping is the Key to the Secret.

How to Do Anything

This is simplified from The Secret, and also inspired by The Science of Getting Rich:

1. Make a PICTURE of what you want
2. Take the FIRST STEP towards making it happen

When you think about it, we follow this process to do anything, whether it's making a cup of tea or building a skyscraper. For big tasks we often chunk it down and make mental pictures of various milestones along the way, but this is just a detail.

So why does this process fail?... Negative thoughts, of course!

When we go to take that first step, that's when most negative feelings come up. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what other people might think, fear of it just being hard work. Our sub-conscious mind is reminded of a previous time when we took a similar step and it ended badly. So naturally it's bound to warn you not to do that again... even though this time it's a totally different situation.

The feeling comes up, and we rationalise it with negative thoughts. We talk ourselves out of what it is we want to do, and go and watch television instead, or smoke a cigarette, or eat, or drink, or maybe just lie down and stare at the ceiling, wondering why we are such a failure.

The other option is to Tap away the feeling. Work out at which point the feeling was the strongest, and what that feeling reminds you of - when have you felt it before? When you find the first time, use Tapping to wipe the slate clean. Then take that next step again, and find that it's effortless to do so.

When you think about your mental picture, of when you've got where you want to be - what does it feel like to be there? Hopefully it feels pretty good... But maybe there are negative feelings lurking beneath the good feelings. Jump right into the picture, and look for fears, worries, self-doubts. What's the worst that could happen in that picture?

If there are any negative feelings in that picture, then guess what... your sub-conscious mind will find ways to avoid it. It will sabotage you, probably by convincing you that the next step you want to take is one that will actually take you further from your goal.

So tap away any negative feelings you find in your mental picture. The positive feelings that are there are your motivation to get there, positive feelings can't be tapped anyway. But underneath those, find each negative feeling, trace it back to find when you first felt it, and tap away the feelings stored in that memory.

If you apply this process repeatedly and thoroughly, all negative thoughts relating to your goals are vanquished. You can literally do anything you want.

YouTube - Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Introduction

There are several versions of tapping and tapping points. Here is a quick little cheat sheet drawing, but the points are a little different than in the videos above, which is how I learned.

Posted: True Health Is True Wealth

Tapping or EFT – (Part 1)

How Tapping Works

Before you read this, realize that you don't need to know precisely how Tapping works. If you try it, and watch your body and mind carefully to see what happens, you will realize that it does.

You just have a set of beliefs that say you need to fully understand something before you can use it! So you could try tapping those beliefs, because they probably hold you back in other areas.

You will still be left with unanswered questions after reading this explanation. My suggestion is that you experiment with Tapping and find your own answers. You don't really know how electricity works - no-one really does! But you still switch on a light, and you still cook your dinner with it. It's really true, even the most knowledgeable scientists don't know precisely how electricity works.

A Belief is a Thought that we are Emotionally Attached to

If I tell you that above my bed I have a painting of a tree, your mind will accept that information. If I then tell you actually it's not a painting of a tree, it's a painting of a boat, your mind will accept that information too. A thought is like that - easy to change. You receive new information and your mind accepts it.

If however, you touch a hot stove and feel pain, your mind will receive the programming that stoves are not safe to touch. If someone tells you that the glowing red stove is safe to touch, you will not accept what they are telling you. The difference is the emotion of physical pain, which is attached to the information.

This is the difference between a thought and a belief. An emotion becomes attached to the thought, as a signal to the mind that the thought is necessary for survival, and as a result the thought can not be easily changed.

Tapping removes Negative Beliefs. In fact, there is no difference as far as the body is concerned between a Negative and a "Positive" Belief. A Negative belief is just one that you have judged is unhelpful to your wellbeing, and a Positive one is a belief you have judged to be helpful.

In fact, we don't need the thought "Hot Stoves Give Pain" to be a belief in order to follow it. Thoughts that are not beliefs fit into our Understanding of the world and we live our life through them. In fact, when that becomes a strong belief we start to behave irrationally. For example someone might be burned by a stove as a child and when they are older still be very afraid of lighting a gas hob. There's no rational reason for them to be afraid of that, but it affects their life in a negative way - a positive belief becomes a negative one.

Bad Emotions are imbalances in the Nervous System

Good emotions occur when nervous energy can roam freely in the body. Bad emotions occur when nervous energy gets stuck. You can picture it as a standing wave of energy formed in one of the nerve channels in the body.

This is why we feel different emotions in different parts of our body. Sometimes we feel nervous in our stomachs, stress in our shoulders, fear in our hands, etc. Energy is trapped in nerve channels that run through those parts of the body.

Sometimes we tap on a feeling, and sometimes on an actual belief. In fact there is no difference. The emotion that is attached to a particular belief might be very strong, so we don't even notice the belief, just the feeling. It might be very weak so we don't even notice that there is a feeling attached to the words. But the feeling is there, otherwise we would not hold the belief.

Tapping Balances the Nervous System

When we tap, we say the belief out loud to bring up the corresponding emotion in the nervous system. Then we tap the various points to reset the system. Each point is the end of a nerve channel in the body. Tapping sends a shockwave down that channel.

There is no easy way to know which nerve channel is holding a particular emotion, so we just tap them all. Sometimes when you have done a lot of tapping you'll be able to just feel where it is, and you'll feel it clear as you tap it.

When the emotion is gone, your mind is no longer attached to the belief. Suddenly your mind is free to re-process it, and realize it isn't true or that there are easy ways around it.

YouTube - Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Introduction

Posted: True Health Is True Wealth

Mother’s Day Part 2 – A View From Different Perspectives

A mother 5,580 times over

Sunday, May 10, 2009

“Oh God, I thank you for food, clothes and shelter, love and understanding, and for friends that are necessary for me to grow to be a strong, respectable person. Grant me self-control, self-respect and peace within. Amen.”

Around their forest green dining room, children with voices light as the wind and heavy with bass recite the pre-meal prayer Ollivette Allison penned 40 years ago.

And, with that, pork roast, corn, green beans, rolls, milk and sliced peaches are served to Allison’s 50 “babies.”

Allison, 85, is executive director of the Carrie Steele-Pitts Home in northwest Atlanta, a group home for neglected, abandoned, abused and orphaned children that was founded as an orphanage in 1888.

Allison herself was a resident of Carrie Steele-Pitts, arriving there with her two brothers on Aug. 31, 1936. She lived there through her years at Spelman College and at Atlanta University’s School of Social Work. She’s now worked there for nearly 70 years, nearly half that time as executive director. Today will be the 72nd Mother’s Day she’s spent at the home.

She knows precisely how many children have come under her wing since 1950, when she became the home’s first social worker. As of April 28, the number was 5,580.

Some of them stayed for just an hour or just a day. Some stayed for most or all of their childhood. But they are all Allison’s children.

Mae Frances Bullard, a lieutenant in the Fulton County Sheriff’s Office, was dropped off at Carrie Steele-Pitts with her sisters at age 10. She lived there until she left for Morris Brown College.

“I didn’t really get the opportunity to be around my mother a lot because my mother left when I was a baby. But in my mind, I always thought a mother was someone who was always there for the child and who loved and nurtured the child,” said Bullard, 50, of Union City. “That’s what Ollivette has been to me.”

Meaning of mother

On a recent sunny afternoon, Allison mused about Bullard and others she and her staff have cared for.

“The children come from all kinds of hurt and shocks and all kinds of disappointment, things you can’t imagine a young child should have to bear,” she said. “So you do everything the best you can and you do it with consistency, persistence and a lot of patience, love and understanding.”

“Hello ladies, come here. Come in here a minute, please!” she called out from her glass-fronted office, putting aside whatever she was doing to get a little face time with each child who passed by. “You have such pretty colors on today,” she tells a shy girl. “Why did you leave for school so early today?” she asked a boy. As he explained, she inquired about a small sore she noticed on his arm.

Allison said she doesn’t set out to be a substitute mother or grandmother. “I just try to be whatever they want me to be,” she said, “whatever they perceive me to be.”

Though she’s never told Allison, former resident Bullard said “I used to always wish I was her biological child.”

And though she’s never had children of her own, Allison has a strong sense of what motherhood means.

It’s having “a sense of caring and of being thoughtful and a sense of what cleanliness is all about, what sitting down together and eating at a table is all about,” she says. “It’s saying ‘Good morning’ and knowing that school is important, manners are important, and how you treat a child will give you the end results. Children imitate us whether we know it or not.”

Allison never misses a teaching moment, or a chance to praise. And like many mothers, she amazes her charges by seeming to have eyes in the back of her head. Her secret: positioning herself so she can catch kids’ reflections in the glass of doors and picture frames.

Preaching, praising

Dinner is “prime time” at Carrie Steele-Pitts, Allison says. As she firmly quiets the chatter of those at the decorated tables, apron-wearing older teens serve bowls and platters of food.

Dessert is followed by sharing time. One child reads a poem. A staff member offers a thought for the day. Then someone begins talking out of turn, drawing a warning from Allison. “You don’t want Ollivette to get up and do her thing,” she says. “You know I’ll do it.”

Once order is restored, it’s open mike time. A girl tells everyone she and another girl at her table have passed all of their graduation tests. There is wild applause. Another girl is excited that she will take class pictures the next day.

Then it’s Allison’s turn to speak. Naturally, moms get the last word.

“Each day you’re here you’re making a mark on what you’re going to do for the next years to come,” she preaches. “I expect you to grow up to be big strong men and women with grace and dignity, with love for your families and to get a good j-o-b. That way you can do big things for yourself and for your families and for the community.”

Allison has no plans to retire but has told her board of directors to be ready to replace her. She said she can sense that she’s almost ready to leave. But when she does, her legacy will live on.

In 2004, the Ollivette Eugenia Smith Allison Life Learning Center, complete with gym, swimming pool, kitchen and a meeting room, opened on the home’s 26-acre campus. It also holds a small chapel, anchored by a stained-glass window featuring an image of a lamb.

“A little lamb is the most humble thing in the world,” said Allison, who requested the image. “It needs a lot of protection, and that’s what children need. When you love them and pet them, they’re like little lambs.”

The Carrie Steele-Pitts Home can be reached at 404-691-5187.

“Milestones” covers significant events and times in the lives of metro Atlantans. Big or small, hugely celebrated or known only to a few —- tell us of a milestone we should write about. Send an e-mail to milestones@ajc.com or mail to Milestones, c/o Michael Gray, 72 Marietta St. NW, Atlanta GA 30303. Please include your phone number and/or e-mail address.

Not so Happy Mother's Day

I have thought of writing this for every Mother's day for years but somehow never got down to it. So finally, here I am.

I am truly happy for all those who celebrate the miraculous gift of maternal love on this planet. You are truly blessed. There are mothers who are living examples of that amazingly wondrous selfless love who have inspired greatness in this world. Mothers are big hearted; supportive, loving and loyal to their children. Even an animal mother is programmed by nature to nurture and protect. Didn’t someone say God created mothers to take his place when he is not available?

But then, in our zeal to celebrate this great blessing, we sometimes forget the 'less fortunate' among us. Not the handicapped or challenged or poor... but the least fortunate among us the mother-loving who are 'cursed' with the 'bad karma' (it seems) of imperfect mothers... more like really bad mothers, cruel mothers, mothers who messed up our lives and deny it... and those who exist in the cross sections. Yes, THAT now is the reality.

When we are up there preaching and advocating the virtues of respecting and loving mothers, let us not forget (sometimes in our self righteousness) that there are (unfortunate) people out there with valid reasons to 'hate' their mother as well; and that by not joining in the adoration, it does NOT make them lesser beings to those who do. Just as you celebrate, they are hurting equally inside.  I have yet to come across a true and honest admission from those who do belong in this discreet group of people, though they are many, mainly because a fear of disapproval or being judged as an 'unforgiving, ungrateful child'. It can be a vicious circle, to end up with an 'unloving mother'... and being tagged as 'unloving child' in return. I wish for this message to go out to those fortunate people who are so ready to judge... to let it be. Unless you have not experienced a life bereft of a true mother's love, you will never know how it is, and I pray that you never will.

In this unpleasant reality, I decided to believe that no mother chooses to be a bad mother, knowingly or unknowingly, they just are. Some so bad that your whole life will be a sad (cruel) twisted result of her devastatingly damaging effects. Bad mothers are accidents (freaks) of nature, at least that's the only reason to it that I can fathom, that I can take comfort in. Because I am one of the 'unfortunates' though I clearly believe I don’t deserve it, karma or not. In this case, extremely unfortunate because the problem is so deep yet so elusive, a third person would never even realize it or want to as it would shatter all their rosy notions and images of a child cuddled up in a mother's loving embrace.

I knew something was wrong from the day I learned to differentiate right from wrong but went through years of denial. The questions I always asked then were "what did I do to deserve this", "how can I make her happy", "why is it never enough" and finally I just gave up trying which brought me to a rapid decline in self worth and love because I always thought to be a good child you must love your mother no matter what you get back. After all isn't unconditional love a natural bond between a child and mother? Each time I felt I had failed to live up to expectations, another part of me died.

I was subjected to repeated rejections (not good enough), isolation (from any moral support from others) and manipulations (of my feelings) and sabotage (when I did learn to fight). Even as I write, I am troubled, feeling if I use such strong words and there is a lingering of the absence of hope that I was wrong somewhere. Yes, there is one thing I can acknowledge today, is that my greatest tests of endurance and strengths have been through the Lessons of having had that Imperfect Mother. And for what it's worth, “Happy Mother's Day”.

Posted by: ravindranps

For these moms, a dog-day afternoon

Pedro and Princesa, a pair of very well-dressed Chihuahuas, scampered into Unleashed Indoor Dog Park like a couple late for the party.

After all, it was Mother's Day, and Princesa and Pedro were here to celebrate with their "mom," Betty Orellana.

Pedro, one handsome little dude, was decked out in a bright print shirt, khakis, tinted shades and the tiniest sandals imaginable – until you saw the shoes on Princesa, who accented her look with a sparkly frock that exactly matched mom's vivid green blouse.

The oohs and ahhs followed in their wake – "Look, look!" and "Aww, how cute!" in several variations – and Orellana doted on her kids like any proud momma.

"Their father passed away about a year ago in a motorcycle accident," said Orellana, of Mesquite, "and we didn't get to have kids.

"Pedro and Princesa are my children. They're the only kids I have."

So she decided to go out with the kids, to a party with other moms and their "fur babies" to be treated and pampered and, for once, to feel they weren't left out on Mother's Day.

"It's wonderful!" Orellana said. "When one of the ladies here told me they were having a special Mother's Day, I couldn't believe it!"

Kelly Acree, an owner and co-founder of Unleashed in Far East Dallas, said that when she and her partners assembled a business plan for the indoor dog park – the first of what they hope will be many – they noticed an interesting demographic development.

"We saw that young people weren't getting married as early as they used to, and that a lot of single guys and girls have a pet as a 'child,' " Acree said. "There's a real trend in society – more humanization of pets. It used to be they spent their time out in the yard. Now they sleep in the bed with you."

And the pets help meet basic human needs of love and companionship for people who often have no one else.

Call it puppy love.

"I don't know what I would have done without Pedro when my husband died," Orellana said. "He sure filled a void when I lost the man I loved."

Across the room, new arrival Carrie Johnson of Dallas took in the scene – lots and lots of women and men and a whole bunch of dogs romping and wagging and having a great time.

The grown-ups carried gift bags and sipped wine and nibbled candy or cakes, or maybe enjoyed the ministrations of a masseuse. And the dogs were busy being dogs.

"This is so cool," Johnson said, leading in Sebastian, a little fluff ball of a Shi-Tzu.

"Mother's Day can be hard when don't have children. You feel like it isn't a day for you.

"But this is a day for all of us.

By: MICHAEL E.YOUNG / The Dallas Morning News

Happy Mother's Day to the mothers of special needs children

The "perfectly beautiful son" has a son of his own.

Mother’s Day is coming and I thought it would be a good idea to shine the limelight on the very special mothers of the very special children who were born with, or later developed, disabilities. These mothers have to deal with most of the same confusing challenges that mothers of able-bodied children do along with some that can scarcely be imagined by mothers who haven’t “been there.”

Some of you may remember reading in my blog, Children of Disabled Parents Can Be Extra Resilient and Empathetic that my husband, Michael has cerebral palsy. Before we were married, his mother told me a story about Michael coming in the house one day, upset because some children had been making fun of him.

She took him to a full-length mirror and stood in front of it with him. They looked at their reflections together and my mother-in-law said, “Look at yourself. That’s your body and it’s beautiful.”

That story stayed with me and prompted me to write this “gift” for her. My husband, a motivational speaker, often uses it to close his speeches and I have plans to convert it into a book. But I will take it out here, in honor of Mother’s Day, to share with you – especially if you have a child with a disability.

A PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL SON

A little boy was feeling sad. He had been born with a disability that made him walk, talk, and move differently from other children. The little boy was sad because some of the kids in the neighborhood had been making fun of him. His mother took him by the hand and led him to the full-length mirror she kept in her bedroom.

“I’m crippled and useless. The kids say I am.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son.”

“Mommy, how can you say that when you know how I look?”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. You look like your daddy. You’re lucky, my pet. He’s handsome and strong. Can’t you see? You belong. Be proud, my beautiful son.”

“My feet drag on the ground. I fall down all the time.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. And when you fall down, you get right back up. You’ve never stayed down and I know you won’t now. Get up, my beautiful son.”

“My hands always shake. I spill everything.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. And when your hands shake, I will hold them in mine. It will steady us both – not just you, but me, too. Hold tight, my beautiful son.”

“My speech comes out funny. People can’t understand.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. And when I hear you speak, I hear magical sounds. The words are so clear and their meanings so dear. Speak out, my beautiful son.”

“People think that I’m weak just because I’m so small.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. And your heart’s grown so strong, how could you be weak? To me you’re so mighty, sometimes I can’t speak. Stand tall, my beautiful son.”

“The kids have been saying I’ll end up alone.”

“You’re my perfectly beautiful son. You have so much to give and a great life to live. And when the day comes that a girl sees this, too, I’ll love her so much – but not like I love you. But I’ll love her to pieces and I’ll shout to the world, “My son’s found his true love! What a perfectly beautiful girl.”

Happy Mother’s Day.

Patricia Aronin - Baltimore Family Examiner

Posted:  Ask Marion – Marion’s Place

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Mother’s Day

One of Life's Great Miracles 

by Alexander Green

Today I'd like to say a few words about an enormously important group of people.

Pastor John S.C. Abbott said they have "as powerful an influence over the welfare of future generations as all other earthly causes combined."

Historian Will Durant called them nothing less than "the nucleus of civilization."

A Jewish proverb tells us that God created them because He couldn't be everywhere.

I'm talking, of course, about mothers.

Consider yours. Without her, you wouldn't be sitting here. But biology is the least of it, really!!

We would not have survived - not any of us - had we not been deeply loved and cared for in the first years of life.

Your mother is almost certainly your first memory. Yet even before memories, her voice created your first sense of security, her touch your first experience of affection, her constant care and attention the impression that we live in an idyllic world of limitless compassion.

We don't, of course, but isn't it a beautiful way to start?

Your mother was your earliest teacher, your strongest advocate, your first love. And as you grew, so did her sacrifices.

When you got sick, she took care of you. When you got in trouble, she took up for you. When you had some place to go ... she took you.

As one of four boys, I grew up convinced that my mother's mission on earth was to be a cook, maid, nurse, counselor, referee and, of course, chauffer. (Peter DeVries once described a mother as someone whose role is "to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car for ever after.")

In a large household, of course, a mother's work is never really done. Friends, however, would sometimes remind my Mom how fortunate she was to have five strong men around to help out. Hmmm...

I remember the time a neighbor dropped by during the playoffs. "Hey," he said looking at the five of us draped across the furniture, "how come all you guys are in here watching the game and your Mom is out front mowing the lawn?"

"I dunno," I remember saying. "I think she likes it."

How's that for appreciation?

In our home, my Mom ran everything, organized everything, remembered everything and, it's embarrassing to recall, didalmost everything that needed doing, too.

To top it off, she made - and still makes - a vegetable soup that is nothing short of spectacular. I don't mean it's tasty. I mean it isambrosia.

(If you're skeptical that anything truly stunning can be done with vegetable soup, it only means you've never tasted hers. No one who has would ever contest the claim.)

A mother's influence is hard to overstate. In many ways, it is incalculable.

Her love - the strongest, blindest and most exquisite - is neither acquired nor deserved. Nor can it ever be fully acknowledged.

Former U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins captures this sentiment beautifully in one of his poems:

The Lanyard 
The other day as I was riocheting slowly 
off the pale blue walls of this room, 
bouncing from typewriter to piano, 
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor, 
I found myself in the L section of the dictionary 
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist 
could send one more suddenly into the past-- 
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp 
by a deep Adirondack lake 
learning how to braid thin plastic strips 
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard 
or wear one, if that's what you did with them, 
but that did not keep me from crossing 
strand over strand again and again 
until I had made a boxy 
red and white lanyard for my mother. 
She gave me life and milk from her breasts, 
and I gave her a lanyard. 
She nursed me in many a sickroom, 
lifted teaspoons of medicine to my lips, 
set cold face-cloths on my forehead, 
and then led me out into the airy light 
and taught me to walk and swim, 
and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard. 
Here are thousands of meals, she said, 
and here is clothing and a good education. 
And her is your lanyard, I replied, 
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart, 
strong legs, bones and teeth, 
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered, 
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp. 
And here, I wish to say to her now, 
is a smaller gift--not the archaic truth

that you can never repay your mother, 
but the rueful admission that when she took 
the two-tone lanyard from my hands, 
I was as sure as a boy could be 
that this useless, worthless thing I wove 
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

Why am I sharing this?

This weekend you have the opportunity to honor the person whose place no one else can take, the woman to whom you owe your very existence.

And let us remember, your mother may not be the person who biologically delivered you.  Your “real mother” may be an adoptive mother, a step-mother, a foster mother, or another female friend, relative or guardian who took that role… and you know who she is.  She is your mom.

Perhaps she deserves not a card, a phone call, or a box of chocolates, but an expression of genuine gratitude.

If she is around, cherish her. If she is not, cherish her memory.

Before you were conceived, she wanted you, even if she is your adoptive mother. From the moment she knew you were coming, she loved you. When you came into her life, she was willing to sacrifice everything for you.

Is this not one of life's great miracles?

Carpe Diem, Alex

United States Mother’s Day

Early "Mother's Day" was mostly marked by women's peace groups. A common early activity was the meeting of groups of mothers whose sons had fought or died on opposite sides of the American Civil War. In New York City, Julia Ward Howards led a "Mother's Day" anti-war observance in 1872, which was accompanied by a Mother's Day Proclamation. The observance continued in Boston for about ten years under Howe's personal sponsorship, then died out.

Several years later, a Mother's Day observance on May 13, 1877 was held in Albion, Michigan, over a dispute related to the temperance movement the second Sunday of the month. According to local legend, Albion pioneer, Juliet Calhoun Blakeley, stepped up to complete the sermon of the Rev. Myron Daughterty, who was distraught because an anti-temperance group had forced his son and two other temperance advocates to spend the night in a saloon and become publicly drunk. In the pulpit, Blakeley called on other mothers to join her. Blakeley's two sons, both traveling salesmen, were so moved that they vowed to return each year to pay tribute to her and embarked on a campaign to urge their business contacts to do likewise. At their urging, in the early 1880s, the Methodist Episcopal Church in Albion set aside the second Sunday in May to recognize the special contributions of mothers.

Frank E. Hering, President of the Fraternal Order of Eagles, made the first known public plea for "a national day to honor our mothers" in 1904.

In its present form, Mother's Day was established by Anna Marie Jarvis, following the death of her mother on May 9, 1905; she campaigned to establish Mother's Day as a U.S. national, and later an international, holiday.

Originally the Andrew's Methodist Episcopal Church, the site of the original Mother's Day commemoration, where Anna handed out carnations, the International Mother's Day Shrine is now a National Historic Landmark. From there, the custom caught on—spreading eventually to 46 states. The holiday was declared officially by some states as early as 1912, beginning with West Virginia. On May 8, 1914, the U.S. Congress passed a law designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day and requesting a proclamation. On May 9, 1914, President Woodrow Wilson made that proclamation, declaring the first national Mother's Day, as a day for American citizens to show the flag in honor of those mothers whose sons had died in war.

Carnations have come to represent Mother's Day, since they were delivered at one of its first celebrations by its founder. This also started the custom of wearing a carnation on Mother's Day. The founder, Anna Jarvis, chose the carnation because it was the favorite flower of her mother. In part due to the shortage of white carnations, and in part due to the efforts to expand the sales of more types of flowers in Mother's Day, the florists promoted wearing a red carnation if your mother was living, and a white one if was dead; this was tirelessly promoted until it made its way into the popular observations at churches.

In May 2008, the US House of Representatives voted twice on a resolution commemorating Mother's Day, the first one being unanimous so that all congressmen would be on record showing support for Mother's Day.

Happy Mother’s Day~~

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• Traditional parenting 'leads to well-adjusted children'
  
• Adoption and Social Styles

Permission to Rest Outside of Tahiti

       One observation I have heard visitors to the States often make is that Americans are always in such a hurry, and that we don’t seem to know how to relax. In contrast, people in some countries work fewer hours and have much longer vacations. In some cultures, a nap is just part of daily life.  The idea of “hurry” and “overtime” just doesn’t fit in with my idea of Tahiti.

When was the last time you took a break to just enjoy a beautiful day? Can you take a real day off? A real vacation? Do you feel guilty when you do?

Wellness coaching is often thought of as a means to lose weight or regain fitness. Therefore, discussion may focus on diet and exercise, or the number of hours spent sleeping.  However, the larger picture of a healthier life is not just a regular bedtime, but breaks in routine throughout the week or month or year.

In these times of hurry and over-commitment, we might rationalize that we just can’t afford to step away simply to unwind and recharge.  Even though God does not get tired, He set the precedent for us by resting one day after working for six days on Creation. The commandment to rest one day a week was important enough to be included in the initial Ten. Rather than a heavy obligation, this commandment is a mercy gift to us from Him. God also gave Israel holidays (from “holy days”) as times for celebration, worship, and family.

It’s not enough to just rest from physical work; we also require mental, emotional, and spiritual refreshing. So many of us are exhausted mentally and emotionally, which affects our physical energy levels as well.  Just as the body is recharged by ceasing exertion and taking time to sleep, the soul and spirit are recharged by time spent in peace and quiet, the beauty of nature and art, and just having fun, to name a few.

So instead of figuratively hacking away at the forest with a dull blade, taking time for rest and relaxation sharpens our axe so that our work is actually of higher quality and more productive.  A “working vacation” is unsatisfactory and does justice to neither work nor vacation.

More than that, it’s time to give ourselves permission to rest, not only when feeling tired, but as a regular part of our lifestyle.  The world can manage without us for a little while.  If we don’t draw our own boundaries, someone else surely will. A weekly day of rest and other set-apart times are God’s gift to man. Accept this gift for yourself.

A wellness coach can be a wonderful ally who supports the decision to give yourself permission to engage in R&R.  The coach can help navigate the balance between work and rest, and encourage creativity in healthy diversions from the pressures of “hurry sickness”.  A brain-storming session followed by action steps involving marking dates for R&R on the calendar is wonderfully liberating and honoring to our personal humanity.

But before you book that six-month trip to Tahiti, it would be wise to begin with baby steps: a regular day off, an afternoon walk in the park on a beautiful day, and a weekend now and again. The quality of your rest is enhanced by how you choose to spend your time.  Practicing new and intentional choices to nurture your soul and spirit builds a habit of greater appreciation, comfort, and wholeness that can be more easily maintained. As incremental changes are introduced and supported, a lifestyle of honoring your need for rejuvenation will be developed. Then, on an upcoming day of rest, you can daydream about a trip to Tahiti, and your coach can help you make that happen too!

Donna Astern just got back from a few days of R&R in which she slept, read, prayed, & enjoyed the beauty of nature.

This is a guest post by Donna Astern, of  www.destinyspirit.com - Donna loves to see people move forward with the unique plan and person God has for their lives. She is a life coach and an apostolic prophetic minister who leads Destiny Spirit Apostolic Network. She and her husband reside in Virginia Beach, Virginia.http://www.destinyspirit.com 

Posted:  True Health Is True Wealth - http://truehealthistruewealth.blogspot.com - May 09.2009

A Legacy of Inspiration

~ True happiness is impossible without true health and true health is impossible without rigid control of the palate. All the other senses will automatically come under our control when the palate has been brought under control. And he who has conquered his senses has really conquered the whole world.  … Mohandas Gandhi

In January 1948, Mohandas Gandhi was shot three times by a Hindu assassin as he walked through a garden in New Delhi to take evening prayers. He died instantly.

Today he is remembered as an anti-colonialist, an advocate of non-violence, a pioneer of civil disobedience and the father of the world's largest democracy.

He achieved a great deal as a political leader, working against discrimination, poverty and the caste system. He ended "untouchability." He expanded women's rights, religious tolerance and economic self-reliance.

For all these things, Gandhi is rightly honored. In the long run, however, Mahatma (literally "Great Soul") may be best remembered for his contribution to humanity's inner life.

Gandhi advocated a simple and unassuming lifestyle. He lived modestly, wore the traditional Indian dhoti and shawl, and ate plain vegetarian food. He said it did not require money to be neat, clean and dignified.

He undertook long fasts, sometimes for self-purification, other times as social protest.

And he had a sense of humor. Asked once what he thought about Western civilization, Gandhi replied, "I think it would be a good idea."

Gandhi suffered many hardships in his life. He was imprisoned several times and for many years in both South Africa - where he first employed non-violent civil disobedience as an expatriate lawyer - and in India.

During these periods, he took the time to write down his key principles. Here are just a few of his thoughts:

~ In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.

~ All of your scholarship, all your study of Shakespeare and Wordsworth would be in vain if at the same time you did not build your character and attain mastery over your thoughts and your actions.

~ A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks he becomes.

~ The only tyrant I accept in this world is the 'still small voice' within.

~ Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.

~ I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present.

~ What a great thing it would be if we in our busy lives, could retire into ourselves each day, for at least a couple of hours, and prepare our minds to listen to the voice of the great silence.

~ Experience has taught me that silence is a part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth.  Proneness to exaggerate, to suppress or modify truth, wittingly or unwittingly, is a natural weakness of man, and silence is necessary to surmount it. A man of few words will rarely be

 thoughtless in his speech. He will measure every word.

~ True happiness is impossible without true health and true health is impossible without rigid control of the palate. All the other senses will automatically come under our control when the palate has been brought under control. And he who has conquered his senses has really conquered the whole world.

More than sixty years after his death, Gandhi is still viewed as one of the world's great spiritual leaders.

He dedicated his life to the purpose of discovering Truth - something he insisted could only be revealed to those with a deep sense of humility - and believed the most important battle is overcoming our own fears and insecurities.

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing, Gandhi insisted, is sufficient to solve most of our problems.

"He was driven to help the poor, the sick and the downtrodden and to free them from colonialism no matter the cost to himself," writes Archbishop Desmond Tutu. "In the end it cost him his life.  However, he left us a legacy of inspiration that is remarkable in its sincerity and love of humanity."

Albert Einstein agreed. He was moved to say: "Generations to come will scarce believe that such a one as this ever in flesh and blood walked the earth."

Gandhi asked that his writings be cremated with his body. He wanted his life to be his message, not what he had written or said.

In the end, he believed that words are meaningless. Actions alone show our true priorities. Or, as he famously said:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

 Carpe Diem,  Alex Green – SpiritualWealth

Posted:  True Health Is True Wealth

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Adoption and Social Styles

Adoption of non-family members, has always been a crap shoot for the adoptive parents as well as for the adopted children. And whether it is a private adoption, a conventional government supervised adoption or an out of Country adoption there has traditionally been only one main criteria; matching up whatever child is up next or found first with whatever family is up next or found first. Screening pretty much consists of whether an adoptive family or person is free of unacceptable legal complications, has a basic place to live with the child in question, makes enough money for them to survive and whether they are willing to jump through the hoops of the agency they are working with, plus the weeding through children based on any requests for sex, age, race or religion that the adoptive parents might have; a process that could definitely use some refining for all concerned.

One of the things that we have realized through scientific studies, pure observation and experience is that exactly the opposite of former conventional beliefs is true. Inherited and genetic traits far outweigh the affects of upbringing and environment. So armed with that information should come the realization that the more adoptive parents and their adopted children have in common, the more simpatico they would be; cutting down on factors that cause unnecessary strife in their relationships. Often adopted children will say that they always felt out of place or like a square child in a round family. Whereas adoptive parents will often feel frustrated and guilty when their children turn out exactly opposite from themselves or without reflecting the upbringing or embracing values they hold dear and tried to pass on. In extreme cases some adoptive parents feel that they need to tell everyone they meet and talk incessantly about the fact that they adopted their child, to somehow feel less responsible for their behavior.

As we find out more and more about DNA and genetics we are realizing that much more than basic looks and the proclivity for certain health factors or talents are passed down, perhaps explaining why the respective members of the legendary Hathaway and McCoy Clans would keep their feuds going for years and even generations. They think alike, are attracted to the same behaviors and repelled by the same actions. It also explains why some families seem to be stuck in poverty while others are driven to succeed like America's almost Royal Family, the Kennedys, who also came to America with little, yet became millionaires, politicians and achievers. They are a family of competitors and doers.

If you view well adjusted 'natural' families they tend to be in sync or compliment each other whether they are loud, quiet, extroverted, serious, pranksters, introverted, sports minded, nerds, techies, achievers or part of the 'Silent Majority'. Very seldom do you find completely mismatched temperaments unless the parents were a totally mismatched couple to start with.

There have been many studies done on social styles and the results of their findings have been used and taught extensively by large companies, in management training and by networking groups. Different studies define 'the social styles' in varying terms using colors, animals, shapes and other indicators to make the concept more understandable to the average or unfamiliar person. Essentially, people can be divided into 4-groups or 4-personality types: amiables, drivers, analyticals and expressives. Ideally as we mature we become a blend of the four, but most people begin life with one predominant or main social style and then have a secondary core style. Rarely do you find people with traits virtually entirely in one social style or evenly mixed between 3 or all 4 of the social styles at a young age.

Whole books and courses have been written on social styles and even packaged, sold and taught, at sometimes high sticker prices, so the following is a very quick and general overview. Amiables are nice and the supporters. They are unassertive but responsive and want to be liked. They tend to be the worker bees in a group and the helpers at home; often like to be helpful but unnoticed; and definitely don't want to be on stage, the leader, or do any public speaking. Amiables often don't even want any 'public' credit for their efforts, but need to feel appreciated. Drivers are the movers and shakers in the group, the directors. They are assertive but not responsive and are in control of their emotions. They are natural born leaders who love to be in-charge; tending to fall into the category of somewhere between a bit bossy to down right aggressive; and love to get the credit for any success. They are intense and like to be in control; many really don't need breaks from work or studying. Analyticals are the clinicians and thinkers in the group. The problem is that they often over-think. They are good with numbers and they like order and rigid timetables, in fact they need order around them to be comfortable. They are not assertive, unresponsive and relatively unemotional. Expressives are the socializers and the clowns in the group. They are both assertive and responsive and very emotional. They are fun and love to be center stage; the 'life of the party' but are hard to keep on task. They need fun and some diversion in their life or sometimes actually get sick without it.

Each social style has their strong and weak or good and bad traits, depending how you see it, and a good team or work group has members of each type. A normal well-functioning family generally does not. You can find every combination of all the social styles, as primary and secondary core styles, some combos much more common than others, except Amiable Drivers or Driver Amiables. It is impossible to be an amiable driver or a driver amiable. This combination only exists in people who have continually been abused in some way or have extreme emotional issues so are hiding or have changed their true personalities as a defense mechanism. Sadly a group you do see in higher proportions than in the general population, among the population of 'system kids', children who have been abused and neglected, bounced around, abandoned, and grown up within the social service system: group homes, orphanages and various foster homes; often too many to count and often as many or more bad experiences as good.

Expressives do well with other expressives, but usually get little done. They also do well with aimiables and drivers find them entertaining as friends or siblings, but they can have their ups and downs in a business or parent-child relationship. Expressives do not do well with Analyticals. They are at the opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everything, so neither social style naturally relates to or understands the other. Amiables and drivers often have difficult relationships for the same reason; opposite end of the spectrum. Amiables are often attracted to Drivers, but Drivers tend to get bored or irritated in those relationships. A driver parent would have the tendency to constantly push an amiable child to achieve and stretch, which could be great or devastating depending on the degree and the individuals. Analyticals do well with other analyticals and amiables, but often miss an aspect of fun in their lives. Amiables do well with other amiables, especially socially, but usually don't achieve much. Drivers and analyticals can do well together in work relationships, as long as the driver is the boss, but not as well at home. And drivers respect other drivers, but there is also a lot of competition which can turn out to be either motivating or devastating, depending on the type of relationship. A person's secondary social style also makes a lot of difference in how these different social styles relate and interact as well as: age, upbringing, race, culture, religion, experiences, education, status within their individual relationship (and some would say even astrological signs), and the list goes on, but matching compatible or like social styles in adoptions would definitely be a step in the right direction toward more harmony.

If you have ever worked for a boss or had an employee or co-worker that you had to deal with daily that drove you crazy or that you just could not make a connection with, no matter how much either of you tried, you have a slight idea of what it would be like to live your life in a family where either you or a family member absolutely did not fit. Imagine being a child and having that relationship with both your parents and siblings. The simple attempt to give the birth parents and adoptive parents a personality test or social styles evaluation as part of their paperwork or having a psychologist or trained social worker in social styles do an evaluation, if they are not willing or able to take a test, and then compare the two (or up to 4 parent tests) could have a huge positive affect on adoptive families. If the children are older, obviously the analysis can be done with them and compared to their prospective parents. Not fitting in reinforces the feelings in kids, who know they are adopted, that they don't belong. Not fitting in makes kids who don't know they are adopted wonder what is wrong with them. And having kids that don't fit in frustrates adoptive parents.

Remember, adopted children and their adoptive families face many challenges that natural families do not. So taking this simple step and adding it to the adoption process, when possible, to match up their social styles and thereby raising their chance of compatibility, could ensure a much higher level of success in blending these families, lowering the stress levels for all involved and helping to raise the percentages of happy adoptive families. Happy families and less problems also reduces the costs to the cities, counties and states that these families live in.

If pre-adoption screening of this type is not possible or you have already adopted a child, I would then recommend the entire family being tested and taking some classes or workshops on how to deal with, mirror and negotiate with other social styles, like they do for business and networking. Understanding our differences and mirroring are great tools for every situation in life.

Amiables 
• Not assertive but responsive 
• Dependent on others 
• Respectful, willing and agreeable 
• Emotionally expressive 
• Everyones' friend; supportive; soft-hearted 
• Low risk takers and like security 
• Group and relationship builders 
• Over sensitive 
• Not goal orientated

Drivers 
• Assertive but not responsive 
• Task rather than people oriented 
• Decisive and determined 
• Controlled emotions 
• Set on efficiency and effectiveness. 
• Like control and are often in a hurry. 
• Firm, stable relationships 
• Stubborn and tough. 
• Impatient 
• Inflexible and often poor listeners

Analyticals 
• Not assertive and not responsive 
• Precise, orderly and business-like 
• Rational and co-operative 
• Self-controlled and serious 
• Motivated by logic and facts 
• Not quick to make decisions 
• Distrust persuasive people 
• Like things in writing and detail 
• Security conscious 
• Critical, aloof, and naturally skeptical 
• Excellent problem solvers 
• Like rigid timetables

Expressives 
• Assertive and responsive 
• Reactive, impulsive, make decisions spontaneously and are intuitive 
• Placing more importance on relationships than tasks 
• Emotionally expressive and sometimes dramatic 
• Flexible agendas, short attention spans, and easily loved 
• Enthusiastic, to the extreme at times 
• Strong persuasive skills, talkative and gregarious 
• Optimistic and take risks 
• Creative and fun

By Marion Algier/Ask Marion - Mother, Stepmother, Adoptive Mother, Former Social Services Counselor and Lecturer & Trainer on Social Styles - True Health Is True Wealth: http://truehealthistruewealth.blogspot.com/2009/04/adoption-and-social-styles.html Ezine Article Source:  http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marion_Algier Related Articles: Traditional parenting 'leads to well-adjusted children' Mother's Day Mother's Day Part Two