Adoption of non-family members, has always been a crap shoot for the adoptive parents as well as for the adopted children. And whether it is a private adoption, a conventional government supervised adoption or an out of Country adoption there has traditionally been only one main criteria; matching up whatever child is up next or found first with whatever family is up next or found first. Screening pretty much consists of whether an adoptive family or person is free of unacceptable legal complications, has a basic place to live with the child in question, makes enough money for them to survive and whether they are willing to jump through the hoops of the agency they are working with, plus the weeding through children based on any requests for sex, age, race or religion that the adoptive parents might have; a process that could definitely use some refining for all concerned.
One of the things that we have realized through scientific studies, pure observation and experience is that exactly the opposite of former conventional beliefs is true. Inherited and genetic traits far outweigh the affects of upbringing and environment. So armed with that information should come the realization that the more adoptive parents and their adopted children have in common, the more simpatico they would be; cutting down on factors that cause unnecessary strife in their relationships. Often adopted children will say that they always felt out of place or like a square child in a round family. Whereas adoptive parents will often feel frustrated and guilty when their children turn out exactly opposite from themselves or without reflecting the upbringing or embracing values they hold dear and tried to pass on. In extreme cases some adoptive parents feel that they need to tell everyone they meet and talk incessantly about the fact that they adopted their child, to somehow feel less responsible for their behavior.
As we find out more and more about DNA and genetics we are realizing that much more than basic looks and the proclivity for certain health factors or talents are passed down, perhaps explaining why the respective members of the legendary Hathaway and McCoy Clans would keep their feuds going for years and even generations. They think alike, are attracted to the same behaviors and repelled by the same actions. It also explains why some families seem to be stuck in poverty while others are driven to succeed like America's almost Royal Family, the Kennedys, who also came to America with little, yet became millionaires, politicians and achievers. They are a family of competitors and doers.
If you view well adjusted 'natural' families they tend to be in sync or compliment each other whether they are loud, quiet, extroverted, serious, pranksters, introverted, sports minded, nerds, techies, achievers or part of the 'Silent Majority'. Very seldom do you find completely mismatched temperaments unless the parents were a totally mismatched couple to start with.
There have been many studies done on social styles and the results of their findings have been used and taught extensively by large companies, in management training and by networking groups. Different studies define 'the social styles' in varying terms using colors, animals, shapes and other indicators to make the concept more understandable to the average or unfamiliar person. Essentially, people can be divided into 4-groups or 4-personality types: amiables, drivers, analyticals and expressives. Ideally as we mature we become a blend of the four, but most people begin life with one predominant or main social style and then have a secondary core style. Rarely do you find people with traits virtually entirely in one social style or evenly mixed between 3 or all 4 of the social styles at a young age.
Whole books and courses have been written on social styles and even packaged, sold and taught, at sometimes high sticker prices, so the following is a very quick and general overview. Amiables are nice and the supporters. They are unassertive but responsive and want to be liked. They tend to be the worker bees in a group and the helpers at home; often like to be helpful but unnoticed; and definitely don't want to be on stage, the leader, or do any public speaking. Amiables often don't even want any 'public' credit for their efforts, but need to feel appreciated. Drivers are the movers and shakers in the group, the directors. They are assertive but not responsive and are in control of their emotions. They are natural born leaders who love to be in-charge; tending to fall into the category of somewhere between a bit bossy to down right aggressive; and love to get the credit for any success. They are intense and like to be in control; many really don't need breaks from work or studying. Analyticals are the clinicians and thinkers in the group. The problem is that they often over-think. They are good with numbers and they like order and rigid timetables, in fact they need order around them to be comfortable. They are not assertive, unresponsive and relatively unemotional. Expressives are the socializers and the clowns in the group. They are both assertive and responsive and very emotional. They are fun and love to be center stage; the 'life of the party' but are hard to keep on task. They need fun and some diversion in their life or sometimes actually get sick without it.
Each social style has their strong and weak or good and bad traits, depending how you see it, and a good team or work group has members of each type. A normal well-functioning family generally does not. You can find every combination of all the social styles, as primary and secondary core styles, some combos much more common than others, except Amiable Drivers or Driver Amiables. It is impossible to be an amiable driver or a driver amiable. This combination only exists in people who have continually been abused in some way or have extreme emotional issues so are hiding or have changed their true personalities as a defense mechanism. Sadly a group you do see in higher proportions than in the general population, among the population of 'system kids', children who have been abused and neglected, bounced around, abandoned, and grown up within the social service system: group homes, orphanages and various foster homes; often too many to count and often as many or more bad experiences as good.
Expressives do well with other expressives, but usually get little done. They also do well with aimiables and drivers find them entertaining as friends or siblings, but they can have their ups and downs in a business or parent-child relationship. Expressives do not do well with Analyticals. They are at the opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everything, so neither social style naturally relates to or understands the other. Amiables and drivers often have difficult relationships for the same reason; opposite end of the spectrum. Amiables are often attracted to Drivers, but Drivers tend to get bored or irritated in those relationships. A driver parent would have the tendency to constantly push an amiable child to achieve and stretch, which could be great or devastating depending on the degree and the individuals. Analyticals do well with other analyticals and amiables, but often miss an aspect of fun in their lives. Amiables do well with other amiables, especially socially, but usually don't achieve much. Drivers and analyticals can do well together in work relationships, as long as the driver is the boss, but not as well at home. And drivers respect other drivers, but there is also a lot of competition which can turn out to be either motivating or devastating, depending on the type of relationship. A person's secondary social style also makes a lot of difference in how these different social styles relate and interact as well as: age, upbringing, race, culture, religion, experiences, education, status within their individual relationship (and some would say even astrological signs), and the list goes on, but matching compatible or like social styles in adoptions would definitely be a step in the right direction toward more harmony.
If you have ever worked for a boss or had an employee or co-worker that you had to deal with daily that drove you crazy or that you just could not make a connection with, no matter how much either of you tried, you have a slight idea of what it would be like to live your life in a family where either you or a family member absolutely did not fit. Imagine being a child and having that relationship with both your parents and siblings. The simple attempt to give the birth parents and adoptive parents a personality test or social styles evaluation as part of their paperwork or having a psychologist or trained social worker in social styles do an evaluation, if they are not willing or able to take a test, and then compare the two (or up to 4 parent tests) could have a huge positive affect on adoptive families. If the children are older, obviously the analysis can be done with them and compared to their prospective parents. Not fitting in reinforces the feelings in kids, who know they are adopted, that they don't belong. Not fitting in makes kids who don't know they are adopted wonder what is wrong with them. And having kids that don't fit in frustrates adoptive parents.
Remember, adopted children and their adoptive families face many challenges that natural families do not. So taking this simple step and adding it to the adoption process, when possible, to match up their social styles and thereby raising their chance of compatibility, could ensure a much higher level of success in blending these families, lowering the stress levels for all involved and helping to raise the percentages of happy adoptive families. Happy families and less problems also reduces the costs to the cities, counties and states that these families live in.
If pre-adoption screening of this type is not possible or you have already adopted a child, I would then recommend the entire family being tested and taking some classes or workshops on how to deal with, mirror and negotiate with other social styles, like they do for business and networking. Understanding our differences and mirroring are great tools for every situation in life.
Amiables
• Not assertive but responsive
• Dependent on others
• Respectful, willing and agreeable
• Emotionally expressive
• Everyones' friend; supportive; soft-hearted
• Low risk takers and like security
• Group and relationship builders
• Over sensitive
• Not goal orientated
Drivers
• Assertive but not responsive
• Task rather than people oriented
• Decisive and determined
• Controlled emotions
• Set on efficiency and effectiveness.
• Like control and are often in a hurry.
• Firm, stable relationships
• Stubborn and tough.
• Impatient
• Inflexible and often poor listeners
Analyticals
• Not assertive and not responsive
• Precise, orderly and business-like
• Rational and co-operative
• Self-controlled and serious
• Motivated by logic and facts
• Not quick to make decisions
• Distrust persuasive people
• Like things in writing and detail
• Security conscious
• Critical, aloof, and naturally skeptical
• Excellent problem solvers
• Like rigid timetables
Expressives
• Assertive and responsive
• Reactive, impulsive, make decisions spontaneously and are intuitive
• Placing more importance on relationships than tasks
• Emotionally expressive and sometimes dramatic
• Flexible agendas, short attention spans, and easily loved
• Enthusiastic, to the extreme at times
• Strong persuasive skills, talkative and gregarious
• Optimistic and take risks
• Creative and fun
By Marion Algier/Ask Marion - Mother, Stepmother, Adoptive Mother, Former Social Services Counselor and Lecturer & Trainer on Social Styles - True Health Is True Wealth: http://truehealthistruewealth.blogspot.com/2009/04/adoption-and-social-styles.html http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Marion_Algier Related Articles: |
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