Showing posts with label libido. Show all posts
Showing posts with label libido. Show all posts

Friday, May 9, 2014

The Obama Administration’s Deserving Victims | National Review Online

The campus sexual-assault controversy is of liberal higher ed’s own making

National Review Online:

For decades, universities have nurtured the most lunatic forms of feminism, denying the biological differences between males and females, promoting the idea that Western civilization is endemically sexist, and encouraging in their students ever-more-delusional forms of victimhood. It is therefore deeply gratifying to see these same universities now impaled by the very ideology that they have so assiduously promoted.

The Obama administration has released the names of 55 colleges and universities that it is investigating over their sexual-assault policies, part of an accelerating campaign against universities for allegedly turning a blind eye to the purported epidemic of campus rape. The list is top-heavy with the elite of the elite — Harvard, Princeton, UC Berkeley, Swarthmore, Amherst, and Dartmouth, among others. A more deserving group of victims would be hard to find.

Parroting over 20 years worth of feminist propagandizing, the White House claims nearly 20 percent of female college undergraduates are sexually assaulted during their college years. To put that number in perspective: Detroit residents have been fleeing the city for years due to its infamous violent crime. And what constitutes an American urban crime wave? In 2012, Detroit’s combined rate for all four violent felonies that make up the FBI’s violent-crime index — murder, rape, robbery, and aggravated assault — was 2 percent. The rape rate was 0.05 percent. And yet, despite an alleged campus sexual-assault rate that is 400 times greater than Detroit’s, female applicants are beating down the doors of selective colleges in record numbers.

Harvard this year received over 34,000 applications, about half from females, for a freshman class of about 1,600; every other elite college was similarly swamped with female applicants. According to the White House Council on Women and Girls, “survivors” of the alleged campus sexual-assault epidemic “often” experience a lifetime of physical and mental infirmity that includes depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome. How could highly educated baby-boomer mothers, who have spent their maternal years fending off phantom risks to their children from pesticides and vaccines, suddenly send their daughters off to a crime scene of such magnitude, unmatched even in the most brutal African tribal wars? What happened to the Sisterhood? Shouldn’t it be warning its members and forming alternative structures for educating females? Instead, every year, millions of girls walk into this alleged maelstrom of violence like innocent lambs to slaughter. Even more puzzling, every year those same girls graduate from that cauldron of predation in ever more disproportionate numbers, and go on to lead highly lucrative careers.

It should not be necessary to tell a feminist that rape is the most violent crime — with the emphasis on crime – that a woman can experience, short of murder. The FBI’s Uniform Crime Reports list rape as the second most serious violent felony. If the campus feminists really believed that campuses are experiencing an epidemic of criminal sexual assault, they would demand that every campus sexual-assault allegation be brought in criminal court, where the assailant can be sentenced to years in prison if convicted. Instead, they favor secret proceedings before an increasingly byzantine set of campus tribunals made up of judicially clueless bureaucrats and professors whose most severe punishment is expulsion. Imagine if a stranger broke into a female’s dorm room at night and raped her at knifepoint. Would that case be taken to the campus Title IX gender-bias tribunal? Unlikely. If someone were merely robbing females of their iPads at gunpoint around the campus library, that case, too, though far less serious than rape, would most certainly be prosecuted criminally.

There are several reasons why no one is pushing to bring campus sexual-assault cases to court. It certainly helps that the procedures before college gender tribunals are egregiously stacked against defendants. The Obama administration recently recommended that campuses deny students facing sexual-assault charges the right to cross-examine their accuser, a trend already well underway on campuses across the country. It also wants campuses to use a flimsy preponderance-of-evidence standard for guilt, and to allow repeated proceedings against a student after an initial acquittal, as KC Johnson and Hans Bader have explained.

The campus sexual-assault tribunal also has a performative aspect: It dramatizes the patriarchy before a sympathetic audience of adults. “Our task is to give voice to the daily forms of violence we too often accept as inevitable,” a Harvard graduate student recently told the New York Times, describing her work protesting Harvard’s sexual-assault policies. The campus sexual revolution began with students’ demand to be free of any intrusive parietal oversight from college officials; now, in a bizarre turnaround, the children of that revolution want colleges to actually write rules for sex and police their enforcement. The colleges are only too happy to comply. In 2013, Yale came up with an embarrassingly graphic set of hypothetical sexual scenarios between gender-unidentifiable students, in an effort to delineate what constitutes permissible sex. One would have hoped that a world-class academic institution would have better things to do. Meanwhile, here is a message to girls: This is sex that we’re talking about, the very realm of the irrational and the uncontrolled. See Ovid’s Metamorphoses, Boccaccio’s Decameron, and Euripides’ The Bacchae (if those texts are still available at your school). Norms of chivalry, courtship, and modesty once tried to channel this primal drive; with those conventions now demolished as sexist, females (and males) are on their own — and often at sea. A highly legalistic definition of consent — the current desideratum of campus sex bureaucrats — is hardly a sufficient substitute for traditional social checks on the sexual instinct and will never be able to regulate the inexpressible and often conflicting emotions around intercourse.

But the main reason “survivors” don’t demand to bring their cases to criminal court is that they know that what they have experienced is something far more complex and compromised than criminal sexual assault, almost invariably involving mixed signals, ambiguity, and a large degree of voluntary behavior on their part.

Girls often drink themselves blotto both before and during parties precisely to lower their sexual inhibitions. The authors of campus-rape surveys discovered early on that when the students whom the pollsters deem rape victims are asked if they think they have been raped, the “victims” overwhelmingly respond in the negative. In the 1986 Ms. survey that sparked the campus-rape industry, 73 percent of respondents whom the study characterized as rape victims said that they hadn’t been raped when asked the question directly. Forty-two percent of these supposed victims had intercourse again with their alleged assailants.

The alleged campus-rape epidemic could be stopped overnight if women’s advocates sent a simple message to girls: Don’t get drunk and get into bed with a guy whom you barely know. Keep your clothes on and go home to your own bed at night. And most controversially: Demand that any boy court you long enough to reveal his character and his respect for yours before you even think about having sex with him. The feminist advocates are more interested in preserving the principle of male fault, however, than in protecting females from regretted sex. And so rather than sending an unequivocal message of personal empowerment and responsibility, they put the entire onus of sexual responsibility on males, treating females as the invariably helpless victims of the male libido.

The colleges under investigation by the Department of Education may have sustained a public-relations black eye, but sadly, they will suffer not the slightest drop in their endowments or enrollments. They will even continue to coddle their students’ melodramatic oppression fantasies. The Title IX investigations, triggered by student complaints, are premised on the preposterous conceit that colleges are creating so hostile an environment for females that those females are actually prevented from learning. Here’s how the colleges should respond:

“Are you kidding me? Get a grip. This is the most welcoming, safe, lavishly endowed community ever created in human history, where students with the desire to absorb wisdom can do so in leisure, surrounded by supportive faculty and well-meaning administrators. There are millions of girls in Asia who are studying ten hours a day to gain the privilege of learning on an American campus; if they were to come to this ‘hostile’ environment, they would seize every educational opportunity available to them.”

Instead, however, the colleges’ student-services deans and rape counselors, who live precisely for these moments of conflict, will grovel before their accusers and promise to make amends. The New York Times has been hawking an article from Columbia’s student newspaper that purported to expose the college’s inadequate response to sexual assault. The original article triggered campus protests against the administration and penitence from the grown-ups. What it mostly showed, however, was the hold of the gender-studies mentality on far too many students. The student journalists were outraged that the school’s sexual-assault policies refer to “rape” “euphemistically” as “non-consensual sexual intercourse,” and to alleged “rapists” as “respondents.” One “survivor” — “Natalie” (a pseudonym) — complains that a Title IX investigator used abbreviations in taking down her story, resulting in “holes” that made her account not “sound like a strong case” (it probably wasn’t) and keeping her “from having ownership over the retelling of her history with emotional and sexual violence.” Natalie had been in a “fragile state” from a previous “emotionally abusive relationship,” and promptly entered into another “‘destructive and unhealthy’ physical relationship” with another male that was “confusing at best.” That male, the article explained, “often forcefully pinned [Natalie’s] arms back against the mattress during sex; [she] would cry during and after they slept together. Not until months after their break up did Natalie recognize this as non-consensual intercourse.” If Natalie was unhappy with their sexual relationship, she would have been wise to have put an end to it. The Columbia student article provided no evidence of flawed assault policies, beyond the mere fact that the school did not issue guilty findings in Natalie’s case (which she did not fully cooperate with) and one other. The article did, however, reveal the chaotic state of campus couplings in the absence of any normative restraints on casual intercourse, a situation that will claim only female emotional victims.

While the legal risks regarding regretted sex are increasingly stacked against male students, it is hard to shed a tear for them, either. They may not be guilty of rape, but they are almost certainly guilty of taking full advantage of the sexual caravansary on campus, and of acting as brutishly as females will allow them to. Males are the main beneficiaries of no-commitment sex, for males and females are not equals on the sexual battlefield. While there may be few actual rape victims on college campuses, there are undoubtedly thousands of girls feeling confused, betrayed, and exploited by callous partners who are blind to their ambivalence and who leave their bed with no emotional pang whatsoever. If male students respond to the one-sided distribution of risk and responsibility by becoming sexual prudes, society will have suffered no loss whatsoever. But don’t count on the male libido to do anything so sane.

Heather Mac Donald is a Thomas Smith Fellow at the Manhattan Institute and the author of The Burden of Bad Ideas: How Modern Intellectuals Misshape Our Society.

Friday, September 11, 2009

'Not Tonight Dear, I Have a Headache' 4 Ways to Save Your Sexless Marriage

If you hear “I’m not in the mood” more than you hear “come hither” whispers from your spouse, you may be among the many couples living in a sexless marriage. When couples aren’t connecting intimately, marriages suffer because ignoring each other’s physical and emotional needs is not how to make a marriage last. If this common marriage problem sounds familiar, read on to find out how to turn your chaste union into a nonstop spicy soirée…

Once a month? Once a week? Every night? How often must you have sex with your spouse to have what’s considered a healthy love life?
There’s no set number. However, experts define a sexless marriage as one in which couples make love no more than 10 times a year.

A 2003 Newsweek magazine study concluded that between 15% and 20% of couples fall into this category. That’s enough for experts to label it an epidemic.

One study found that 30%-50% of women and 20%- 30% of men reported having little to no sex drive. At least part of that statistic likely stems from hormonal issues.

But that’s not the only reason you’re refusing. Unresolved emotional issues are at the root of many sexless marriages. Resentment, unexpressed anger and hurt feelings often lead women to withhold sex. Maybe you’re too upset with him to let him touch you. Maybe you’re hoping that rejecting him sexually will send a message that you either can’t bring yourself to say or can’t seem to get across no matter how often you say it. Maybe you’re simply punishing him. (See related article: 10 Bad Habits that Could Ruin Your Marriage)

Say, for example, you feel taken for granted because your husband doesn’t help around the house. You think “If he isn’t doing something for me, why should I have sex with him?” (Memo to guys: A University of Washington study found that men who help with the housework have more active sex lives with their wives than their dishtowel-shunning brethren. Need more incentive? A 2003 University of California study found that women are not only more sexually receptive to men who help clean up at home, they’re actually more physically attracted to them.)

Sex isn’t the ultimate litmus test of a lovingrelationship, but physical intimacy is a vital way to stay emotionally connected with each other. Besides, it’s fun! Touch is therapeutic, especially when it’s given or received regularly.

Spending time together between the sheets can also be a great stress-reliever. And don’t forget about the body-sculpting benefits of sexercise.

Women aren’t the only ones who use “I’m not in the mood” to avoid sex, but we do fall back on the cliché more often than men do. Another common excuse? Turning him down because we’re too tired. Getting some shut-eye often sounds better than getting some action (even though a feel-good orgasm can make drifting off to sleep a lot easier).

Biological changes, too, may sap your libido. Your hormone levels can shift dramatically due to things like childbirth, menopause and depression (antidepressants often affect sex drive).

One study found that 30%-50% of women and 20%- 30% of men reported having little to no sex drive. At least part of that statistic likely stems from hormonal issues.

But that’s not the only reason you’re refusing. Unresolved emotional issues are at the root of many sexless marriages. Resentment, unexpressed anger and hurt feelings often lead women to withhold sex. Maybe you’re too upset with him to let him touch you. Maybe you’re hoping that rejecting him sexually will send a message that you either can’t bring yourself to say or can’t seem to get across no matter how often you say it. Maybe you’re simply punishing him.

(See related article: 10 Bad Habits that Could Ruin Your Marriage)

Say, for example, you feel taken for granted because your husband doesn’t help around the house. You think “If he isn’t doing something for me, why should I have sex with him?” (Memo to guys: A University of Washington study found that men who help with the housework have more active sex lives with their wives than their dishtowel-shunning brethren. Need more incentive? A 2003 University of California study found that women are not only more sexually receptive to men who help clean up at home, they’re actually more physically attracted to them.)

If you withhold sex long enough, eventually you’ll both get used to the lack of it and will stop trying to initiate it.

Usually, both partners end up feeling neglected and resentful:

"She never wants to sleep with me anymore!”

“He doesn’t care enough about me anymore to ask why I’m too angry to sleep with him!”

If left unresolved, such problems set the stage for divorce or affairs. (You’re not getting the affection and intimacy you crave from your spouse, so you seek it elsewhere.) That alone proves how important sex is to a marriage.

Now, here’s the good news: You can rekindle the intimacy you once enjoyed.

Start by following these four rules:

1. Stop the Blame Game
Hormone-triggered mood swings aside, the first step to salvaging your sex life is to stop blaming each other. Resolve together to get to the real root of the problem and to fix it.

Hectic schedule getting in the way? Reassess your priorities.
Odds are, you’re putting less important items ahead of sex with your spouse. (If you’ve ever seen him giving you “the look” and told him, “I’ll come to bed right after I fold this laundry, make the kids’ lunch for tomorrow and take out the recycling,” you’re guilty.)

Why reserve a roll in the hay for only those occasions when you’ve got extra time or energy? Scrap the insignificant stuff and make sex a part of your schedule. (It looks a lot more fun on your to-do list than “buy cat litter” or “balance checkbook”!)

2. Talk It Out
If you’re in agony over the abstinence, stop silently hoping things will work themselves out. Communication is key in any healthy relationship. And since you’ve already gone all the way with your husband (presumably many times), sex shouldn’t be an off-limits topic.

Get over your embarrassment already and talk to your partner about his perception of the problem. Which of his needs are not being met? Be open, honest and sensitive to his feelings, and try not to get defensive. Urge him to approach the conversation with the same constructive attitude.

3. Enlist a Pro’s Help
If you need help communicating, consider individual therapy or couples counseling. You may have already given having more sex an honest go, but to no avail. And that’s probably because the real root of the problem wasn’t properly addressed – by either one or both of you.

A therapist can help you articulate what you might not be able to, including emotional problems within your relationship, resentment or unexpressed anger, or any hang-ups about sex that may stem from your past. He or she can give you a fresh perspective and send you on your way with new solutions to save your sexless marriage. (Financial worries turning you off? See related article: The Marital Money Pits)

You might also talk to your doctor if you can’t pinpoint why you’re never in the mood. Health issues may be responsible for a low sex drive or nonexistent libido, not your partner or a hectic schedule. Some culprits include menopause, certain medications like birth control pills or antidepressants, or depression itself. If you’ve recently given birth and are breastfeeding, the hormone prolactin, combined with other hormonal changes, can also affect your libido. Talk to your doctor about your options.

4. Take Action
Once you’ve talked things through, stop analyzing the emotional issues and start resolving them physically. Translation: Get in the bedroom.

And don’t wait until you feel “in the mood.” Unfortunately, modern life is filled with more 10-hour workdays and tiring nights with the kids than candlelit dinners and bubble baths for two. All the more reason for you and your hubby to enjoy a happy, healthy release for all that stress.
Initiate sex – or even just physical contact like hand holding or hugging – every day until you get back on track.
But don’t simply go through the motions. Tune in to your body and his, and focus on enjoying the intimacy.
Who says married couples have to go from sizzling honeymoon stage to fizzling Honeymooners scene?

Take a moment to remember how exciting your love life was in those first few years of marriage. It should remind you that it’s worth working at to recapture the magic.

No matter how long you’ve been married or how busy your life has become, it’s never too late to reignite your passion for each other.

But, like all good things in life, it takes a little effort. Recommit to making sex a priority. You’ll give you and your spouse a happier, healthier life together.

Rate Your Sex Drive
Is your sex drive running on fumes or revved up to go the distance? To answer this question, don’t judge by how often you’re getting busy – the true gauge is how aroused you get. Find out where your libido rates on the sex-o-meter, and what you can do if you’re running low on steam with this sex drive quiz

By Emily Battaglia, LifeScript Staff Writer

Posted: True Health Is True Wealth